ENG – I once had to abandon my car in a safari park after a baboon climbed through the sunroof, lay down on the back seat, and fell asleep. [LAUGHTER] – Okay, so where in the safari park is the car? – In the lion enclosure. [LAUGHTER] – Where… where in the safari park is the car? – It’s… what? – Where do you think it is? In the baboon area! – Are you… are you… are you answering for that team? It could’ve been… it could’ve been in the car park, it could’ve escaped!
– Well it’s such a stupid question! – In the car park? It’s not gonna be in the car park, would it?
– What would the baboon be doing in the car park? – The baboon… may have escaped!
– Yes? – Yeah, but you can assume it wasn’t in the car park! – I’m not saying… I’m not saying that the answer “the baboon enclosure” would’ve amazed me!
– Do you wonder perhaps if you…? – I didn’t expect to have to defend myself to this extent with that opening question!
– Well it was a stupid question! Where do you think it was? The gift shop? – Well if it’s… if it’s a stupid question… cut it out in the edits! – No! It’ll be left in to show you what a charlatan that you are!
– WHERE… IN THE SAFARI PARK… WAS YOUR CAR? – THE BABOON AREA! – THANK YOU! As I suspected! [APPLAUSE] – Alright, so anyway, back to where we were now, you… where were we? – In the baboon area! – So, why was the sunroof open? Eh heh, let me mime it for you. Why was the sunroof open? – Is that how you think sunroofs work now, David? Jack: When was the last time you were in a car? – Why don’t we all open our sunroofs? Let’s get the audience opening their sunroofs as well. Come on, let’s all open our sunroofs together! Emily, open your sunroof, girl! Lee: Sorry… I’m sorry, it’s still a bit hot in here. Shall we open the windows? [LAUGHTER] – Baboon! – You know, quite… quite genuinely… I can’t drive a car. In my childhood, we had a sunroof… you opened it like that. – Now you open it like this. – Rob puts his hand up and says to the chauffeur “Can you open the sunroof?”. – Anyway, why was the sunroof open? – Well, we didn’t realise it was open. That’s what we did in our car. – You’re as bad as each other, you two aren’t you? The sunroof isn’t there, is it? You’ve just opened the boot and let the baboon in! – So you’re in there, you didn’t know that the sunroof was open. What happened next? – It was a hot day.
– Hot day, of course. – And the air conditioning wasn’t very good and we had young kids in the back and… – And an extra one, suddenly! – We had had the sunroof open, we thought we’d shut it, and it turned out later it was still open by about that much. – The sunroof’s open that amount, you’re driving slowly…
– Slowly, yes.
– Slowly through the baboon enclosure, the kids are in the back, and you didn’t see the baboon get in. So this is a stealth baboon? Jack: What alerted you to its presence? – As we were leaving the baboon area – – Where were you going? – We were going to the giraffe area, and you can actually get out and feed the giraffes. – Right. – But my wife, who was driving, just suddenly looked in the mirror and said “Arm?”. I’m known as “Arm” at home. – Arm? – “Arm”. Yeah.
– Oh, of course! I thought you meant because she had no arms! [LAUGHTER] – She wouldn’t have been driving, would she? She’d be like that! “There’s a baboon! I can’t see where I’m driving!”. – She wouldn’t be able to open the sunroof either! “Arrrggghhh!”. – “You deal with it, Arm! Bloody Arm!”. – “Arm, what’s that?”. I turned around and saw a sleeping baboon. – Your kids are in the back as well.
Jack: Why did they not notice? – How many children? – It was a six… er… seven seater. They always want to go right at the back. – Ah, so there was a whole middle tier for baboons? – For baboons. – Your kids didn’t notice a baboon crawling in? – Of course they noticed!
– But they didn’t say anything! – They were loving it! [DAVID LAUGHS] – They’re saying “Don’t tell them! They’ll hate the baboon! For some reason, they’re all against wild animals in the car! Shh! Shh!” – If you’re four and two and an animal gets in your car and sits and sleeps in front of you… – Yeah? – They’re getting the… they’re getting the big purple backside! – This for them – – ‘Cause they’re at the back they’re going “This 3D film’s brilliant!”. – And how did this all resolve itself? – Well fortunately, the next enclosure was the giraffe enclosure and you can get out and they’re were people there. – And the giraffe ate the baboon. – And one of the warders…
– Jim’s giving us a lovely giraffe! – Oh sorry! – So one of the warders came and… what? What did they…? Shoo it out? – Both doors opened. They slid open… and it just scarpered out. – What are you thinking? We need a decision; we need truth or lie. What are you going to say? – What do you think, Emily? – I think it’s true. – Do you have a clue, Jack? – I think… I think it might be true. It’s pretty… detailed. – I think we’re going to say true. – You’re going to say true?
– You’re going to say true. – Armando. Truth or lie? – It was all a big lie. [APPLAUSE] – Of course it’s a lie. Putting a baboon through a sunroof is the brand new game show next on ITV2. This is the sweatshirt that my wife and I put on together when we are cosying up on a chilly evening. We call it “The Cuddle Jumper”. – True! [LAUGHTER] – Can I just ask for the full demonstration with Nick? Would that be okay? Jack: Can we see a model? – Nick? Can you model with Rob? The Cuddle Jumper? – Well, I’d prefer not to. – Well we’d all prefer not to. That’s why I got in quick! ‘Cause I know where it was heading! Just cuddle in with him and you can… – How do you get in there? – Come on Nick! I know you’ve not done it before. Think of yourself as a bit of an apprentice with this. There we go. Stick your… [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] – It’s quite nice actually! – If you just sit on my lap there, Nick. [LAUGHTER] – Right. Ask… [DAVID LAUGHS] – Who wants to ask first? Both teams? – So Nick? How does it feel? – Yeah. Oh! That’s my phone, by the way. – Hard to describe accurately. – Will you help me and turn this way? Because… our… our… [DAVID LAUGHS] – What’s he doing? – I’m not doing anything! I am not doing anything! [DAVID LAUGHS] – Our television room is very draughty. So… woah, what are you doing? Woah, woah, woah, get back! It’s very draughty. And we saw this on a shopping channel. And we ordered it for a laugh. And it’s actually… I mean, you’d have to admit, it’s very cosy! – He looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy now! – I tell you what, Orville’s let himself go, ain’t he? – So we ordered it, and I mean we don’t wear it every night, but we do wear it sometimes. – Is this the position you’ll be in? Where your wife will be sat on your lap? – No. Because we have more than one chair in our television room. So we sit on the sofa; side by side. – It’d be better on the sofa, wouldn’t it? – Yeah. But we haven’t got a sofa, so we can’t. – That’s a good question, that much. Do you have more than one jumper? – It’s a cuddle jumper! – Well why don’t you wear jumpers and cuddle up? – Why did you get it in orange? – We wanted that Guantanamo feel, you know? – Do you have pants too? – No. – You could have pants, couldn’t you? Three legs? Jack: Are you suggesting that you lose the pants? [LAUGHTER] – Does the design lend itself to intimacy? – Yes! – Not tonight, it doesn’t! – Time for a guess. What are you going to say, Lee? – Miranda? – I just really hope – – I want to get in your jumper now! Thank you! It’s quite nice! I like it! – Rebecca, Rebecca this does put some pressure on you.
Lee: If you’ve just tuned in… – They’re never gonna get into mine! – So what do you think Lee? – I don’t want to rush it! I’m really cosy! – So what are you saying? Truth or lie? Lee and Miranda: Erm… [LAUGHTER] Lee and Miranda: What’s happening? Erm… We… think… it’s… a… try… – It’s a try? – Hang on, we have to consult our other team member. Come over here. Do we think it’s true or a lie? – I’ve forgotten what the question is! – The question is does he… does he cuddle up to his wife in this jumper?
– In this jumper? – No. – No. – It’s a lie. Nick: Got strong thighs, this boy. – Yes, and you’ve got a very bony bum! David, what about you and Rebecca and Jack? What do you think? – I think it might be true! – I think it’s true. – In a bizarre perverse other universe! – As quick as you like. – We’ll go for true then. – You’re saying true. And what are you saying? – Oh I forgot. Let’s go back and ask Nick. We’re saying it’s a lie. – You’re saying it’s a lie. Well, I can tell you it’s actually… a lie. – Now what do we do? – Come in here it’s great! It’s great, there’s room for three! – Possession. – Right, there should be a box under your desk. Would you first of all read the card out and then take the possession out and pop it on the desk? – This is the set of keys I carry around with me everyday. I know what every single one is for. Apart from one. – Okay. Put the box back on the floor. Just take us through the set of keys, Lee. In your own time, please don’t feel you have to rush. – You can’t say in your own time, it’s all of our time really, but okay, carry on. – So now, I’ve got three keys that look very similar so I have to put those little things on to give you the different colours. And these colours help me a lot, because that’s for the blue door, that’s for the green door, and that’s for the yellow door. Now I’ll never forget because the blue door is blue, the yellow door is yellow, and the green one is my next door neighbour Shakin’ Stevens. – What lies behind those doors? – So that’s my front door key. – And that’s blue? – And this genuinely is a blue door, my front door. The green one genuinely is my next door neighbour’s key, but it isn’t Shakin’ Stevens. I’m not an idiot. It’s Howard Jones. And the yellow one is the key for the door at the back of the house. Now his one… that’s the key for the front door… the… the bottom lock, what do you call that? – Bolt. Bolt. – Yes, I wish I could! This… this unusual-looking key, that’s for the money chest. The money chest! That’s for a small tin that we keep some money in, and… and some things that we don’t want the kids to see! – Why don’t you want the kids to see money? And what else is in there that you don’t want the kids to see?
– There’s other things – – I don’t mind them seeing money. It’s the other things I don’t want them to see. – Like what? – The remains! – Okay, that’s where you keep your money and the remains of those who you’ve killed. – Then you’ve got PBU. That’s that one there. – What does PBU stand for? – PBU on the key ring? – Yes. – It’s the… place for bins… you… – Just like that! – I… what happened… – He couldn’t have made that up! It’s true! – We’ve got one of those outside little shed things you’re supposed to put the bins in to make it look tidy, and my wife constantly comes out and says “There’s a place for the bins, you!” And to help me remember that’s the key, I put PBU on the thing. – So you give yourself the job of remembering the night before the bin men are coming, to go out, unlock these bins, every time you go to put some rubbish away you unlock the bin, this is… none of this…!
– No. Because the shed that the bins are kept in doesn’t have the lock the gate leading to the shed that the bins are kept in has the lock. – What is going in these bins? – My wife basically makes more of a thing of the bins than me! Then we’ve got… we’ve got this little baby here. Ho ho! This tells a story. This one is for the safe. – Ah! – Ah ha! – But the safe, bizarrely, it was already in the house, and it’s behind a picture! How exciting! The key has never fitted. We never know what is in the safe. – Now what is the picture in front of the safe? – Er… the picture in front of the safe? – Yes. – Oh, that picture! – You know the safe that doesn’t exist? There’s a picture that doesn’t exist in front of it. What’s it of? – This is the bit… – It’s obviously a painting of your bins that you had done! – This is the bit… this is the bit that you’re going to find… – The bins that must never be taken from the house!
– This is the bit you’re going to find crazy! It’s a picture of the safe. I know, I know, it’s crazy! It’s absolutely crazy. And this David, is the key to your heart. It’s not, that is to the side passage. And it’s quite annoying to get through the side passage because I have to open the gated community to the bins and that takes me through to the side passage which I open. And that’s all the keys apart from this one. Do you know what that one is for, Fiona? Nobody knows. – And how did you get that key? – That key was given to me… and this is the bit that’s not funny and I don’t want any jokes. My great-grandfather fought in the First World War and he had a key around his neck. And we don’t know what the key was for, but it was passed on, he gave it to his father, his father gave it to his father… – He gave it to his father? So he passed it on backwards in time? – No, sorry! No. All I will say is, just in summary, I’m not pitching it to you because it is true, but if you don’t believe it, quite simply, the story is simple. What is there not to believe? I come home, I make sure the side gated community to the bins are unlocked, so I can get the bins out, leave them on a Tuesday, and let them open the side passage, I get in, lock the side passage, come through to the house, open the safe by moving the picture, I can’t open the safe, I always forget, I close the safe, I get the tin, open it up, move the eyeballs, get the money out, I close the tin, I open the thing, back inside, straight to the front door which is blue, go out, feed Howard Jones’s cat next door who I accidentally said was Shakin’ Stevens. What part of that are you telling me isn’t true? [APPLAUSE] – So what are you going to say, David? What does your team think? – I think we’re going to say it’s a lie. – You’re saying it’s a lie. Lee! Was it the truth or was it a lie? – It was a lie. – I once accidentally bought a horse. – Sorry? You bought a what? – A horse. – A horse! Sorry, I missed the ‘s’. – You claim that you once accidentally bought a horse. Am I right? – You’re right. – Right. Fine. We’re all clear. Under what circumstances? What did you think you were buying? – I never thought I was buying anything. I thought I was… renting. – Did you think you were renting a horse? – Yes. – Right. So you paid to rent a horse, and at the end when you tried to return the horse, they said “What the hell are you doing? I’ve been trying to get rid of Psycho for years!” – That’s pretty much it. – How long had you imagined that you were going to rent it for? – We thought we were going to rent it for 25 minutes. – It was in Bulgaria on holiday. – Okay, so what did it cost in local Bulgarian currency? – What is the local Bulgarian currency? – It was… it was 200 lev. Lev. L-E-V. I don’t know how you pronounce it, but lev. – 200 lev. And how much is that in sterling? Roughly? – Roughly…
– At the time? – Roughly at the time it was at £90.00. Which we thought was a good deal. – £90.00 for 25 minutes? – For 25 minutes on a horse. – But you said we thought we were going to rent it for 25 minutes. – There was me and my friend. – So you were going to have half and half?
– It was a lad’s holiday. We were 18 and we thought we’d go horse-riding. Stephen: In Bulgaria? Keeley: In Bulgaria? – Did you question the odd sort of time slots they were going for? I’ve never been pony trekking, but I imagine they’d sort of rent you the horse for perhaps a couple of hours. Or at least a solid half hour. – You get 25 minutes and then the horse needs a break for five minutes and then someone else comes. – And then you keep the horse forever? – But I never knew that. – What happened when you tried to take it back? – The guy explained to us… the guy was gone. – The guy explained to us that he had gone! – There were two different guys. – Never say that phrase on this game! “The guy explained to us that he’d gone”! – There were two… – Never say that! – There were two different guys! There was two guys! – You have to go through me if you want to speak to my client. – There was Guy… Guy A. Guy A.
David: Guy A? That’s a Bulgarian name. – It’s a very well-known Bulgarian name. A most famous Bulgarian name. – Guy… Dimitri, I think that’s… no, Guy A. And Guy B. Right? We thought we were going horse-riding and we were heading towards the place where you actually hire the horse. – Stables. – The official… the stables. Right? – You see, I think he’s making it up and I’m on his team! – A bit of patience, Brian! We met a guy on the way who had the horse and we thought he was doing that thing you know in Asda where you’ve got a shopping trolley and you’re taking it back and somebody else needs a trolley and you say “Oh, do you want this one?”. So we thought the guy was saying I’m – – “You don’t need to go all the way to the actual stable. I’m from the stable. So just hire this horse.” – That’s what the guy said. So we thought “Oh, alright”, but there was a bit of a communication breakdown. There was a Bulgarian guy trying to speak English and two Scottish guys trying to speak English. So we thought the guy had gave us the horse to ride and come back in 25 minutes. – Were you not surprised? I mean, I’ve never been on holiday to Bulgaria, but I imagine that things would be a bit cheaper in Bulgaria than in Britain. Were you not surprised that it cost you the equivalent of £90.00 to hire a horse for 25 minutes? – Well it was 25 minutes each. So there was two of us, so we chipped in for a horse for 25 minutes each. – But still, even if you thought you were going to get 25 minutes each, that’s a lot, isn’t it? – Well it was an hour, you need to give the horse needs a break, as I said. – Let’s forget about the 25 minutes. – Just forget about the horse. Forget about the horse. – Because that’s absolutely, obviously bullshit. So you take the horse back. Guy B… who’s the guy you met on the way to the stables… – He’s gone. – He’s gone. No sign of him. So you say to Guy A, “Well we hired this as part of your ‘not bothering to actually go to the stables but getting a few hundred yards away’ scheme. We hired this horse for 25 minutes at an extortionate rate. Nevertheless, here it is”. And what did he say? – We went back to the place where we picked up the horse. – Oh, so not the stable? But to the random point in the road a couple of hundred yards from the stables? So bewilderedly, where has the mysterious man gone? I would have thought that logically, when you were returning it, having thought that he’d had come from the stable, but you had been lucky not to have to walk to the stable before hiring it, you might nevertheless have thought “Well the stables where it’s got to go back to.”, rather than “Well sod ’em! This is where we’ve picked it up from! I’m not actually taking it to the stable. I’m gonna stand here 300 yards away from the stable going “Come over here! Come and get your own horse!”. At going “Come over here! Come and get your own horse!” At which point locals start waving going “No! You keep!” – Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, look at me. Look at me. You’re taking the horse back. – “Look at me”? – What happened next? – Oh man… – Come on, Kevin! Come on! – So where are we taking up from? – You’re taking the horse back. – Let’s go back to the start. – Kevin Bridges, for the love of God, please tell us what happened! – Right. We bought a horse. Right? We thought we’d rented the horse, we done the horse riding, took it back to the initial place we picked up the horse. Locals explained we met a counterfeit horse guy who wasn’t at the official horse riding stables. – So this was a counterfeit horse? This wasn’t a genuine horse? This was maybe two guys in a costume! – That would explain the 25 minutes! – Yes! – “I can only do 25 minutes.” – The giveaway… the giveaway was after 25 minutes when one went… “Right, let’s crack on, lads!” – So. David’s team, what do you think? Truth or lie? – I mean, the trouble with this game is it plays tricks with your mind. But I don’t think it’s true. You don’t really…? – It’s got to be, hasn’t it? – It’s got to be… got to be a lie. – It’s got to be a lie.
– It’s got to be. – They’re saying it’s a lie. Right, so here we go. This really is… – Is the moment. – This is more than any other episode I’ve done of this show. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for. Kevin Bridges, is it true or is it a lie? – It’s true! – Unbelievable. – I once invented a language so I could speak to my sister in secret. I even gave this language its own name. – What’s the name of the language? – It is not a word that you will have heard of and the word is “cushin”. – Cushin? – Yes. Cushin. – So like cushion, but cushin? – Yes. – And could you say something in cushin? – Yeshk. – Could you say something more? – Is that what ‘yes’ is in cushin? – I didn’t claim that the language was sophisticated. I would say that you’re arbitrarily adding a sort of ‘shk’ sound. Amanda: So do a sentence. – Okay. Ashk aminsh… Ishk amshk… um… – It’s obviously been a long time. – Ishk lushkly am enjoyshkingshk theshk… eshkperienshk of “Would Ishk Lieshk to Youshk?”. – You sound like the chef on Sesame Street! – If it’s so simple, what do I say then? – You said “I am loving the experience of ‘Would I Lie To You?'”. – No I didn’t. I said “I am largely enjoying the experience of ‘Would I Lie To You?'”. So… it looshsk like it’shk not as simplesk as yoush mightshk thinkshk! – So where did the name for this language ‘Cushin’ come from? – I honestly can’t remember. But it was called ‘Cushin’. And I can tell you part of the language, and I’m afraid I can’t explain this to you, would be sometimes mid-sentence, sometimes at the end of a sentence just to loudly proclaim “Cushoun!”. – Cushin is talking with random ‘shk’s if you can squeeze them in… – Yeah! – And occasionally going ‘Cushoun!” in the middle or at the end of a sentence. – You know, my parents… [GREG LAUGHS] My parents didn’t r… [DAVID LAUGHS] They didn’t work out Cushin as simplistic as you clearly think it is. They didn’t work it out, so… – They didn’t work it out? When you said “I shkwants to goshk to the shopsk”, they went “Oh, what on earth is he saying?” – Oh my God! Hang on, David! Cushoun! – So David, he’s been quite forced in a lot of detail, but is it the truth or is it a lie? – What do you think? – Well, I believed him up until the point where he said “Cushoun!” and then… – He’s enjoying “Cushoun” far too much! Although he could be enjoying it with the fact that his sister is watching their secret language being outed. – She won’t dislike it. She’ll be ashkolutesley delishkeshk. And that… that, my friends, so far is the biggest “Cushoun” of them all! – It’s not inconceivable. But it is unlikely. – What do you think? Truth or lie? – Lie? – Lie. Let’s do it.
– Lie. – You’re saying it’s a lie. Okay, Greg? Truth or lie? – Ishk washk tellinshk the trushk! – Cushoun! – Cushoun! – I can break an apple in half with my bare hands. – David’s team? – What is your technique? – I take it in the hands. – Yes? Are your hands bare at this point? – Of course they’re bare! Friction’s very much part of this… um… this equation. You must pull it…um… I’m going to say east to west. A lot of people think you need to twist. You don’t need to twist. – You don’t need to twist? You just pull apart?
Lee: Pull it apart? – How do you get the grip?
Rob: Pull the apple apart? – Won’t your hands just slide away from it? I’d have thought you’d need to twist. – If you twist, you fail. Twisting equals tears. – So you just grip the apple in your hands and then fling them apart and you have two half apples? – No, I rip it apart. – The way you were miming it then, there’s like downward pressure from the thumbs. Almost as if you were trying to open it like a book. – Yeah… – Is that what it’s like? Because I can believe that more than the just ‘grip, bang!’. – Yes… no David, that’s fair enough, yes. – [BOB LAUGHS]
– So you almost like… you insert… – I so wish it was BANG! It’s not. – You insert the thumbs, to try and pull it apart that way? – No insertion. No. But that’s the grip.
David: Oh right. Downwards pressure? Bob: Downwards pressure… and there it is. – So where are the thumbs? Are the thumbs either side of the stalk?
– They’re here at the end! You know where the thumbs are, David! – Where are the thumbs? Are the thumbs either side of the stalk? – Yes. – No insertion or penetration? Just… – No, absolutely none, no. The thumbs are used for gripping, not for ripping. That’s what I was taught. [LAUGHTER] – And if you remember that… – This has become the catchphrase! – If you can remember that, you too will be parting apples! – How long have you done this for? – I have done it for a long time. What I used to do to entertain was I used to take hard-boiled eggs and peel them. I can still do it. And I could take the shell off in one. And you actually peel the membrane rather than trying to… don’t be all rough handed and… you know, take your time and bang! Rob: And when did you…? – That’s the correct way to present. With an apple it’s this. – When did you first discover that you could do the apple? How did it come about? How did it come to be? – I can’t remember the first time I did it. Rob: Can’t remember? – I can remember the feeling. – What was the feeling? – The feeling was magnificent. [LAUGHTER] – Right, David. Is that the truth? – I don’t think so but it could be. Can we leave it at that? – Yes, that’s fine. Okay, on to the next round. No, we can’t. – I agree with that. I’d love to see him… I hope it’s true because then they’ll make him do it. And I’d love to see it! – Yeah… if it’s not true… will they make him try?
Lee: Make him do it anyway! – So what’s it going to be? – I really want it to be true but it isn’t true I don’t think. – You can’t pull an apple apart, can you? – You can’t just rip it in half. I so want you to be able to. – If you and I can’t, surely… – And I… And I can’t! David: I’ve never tried!
Bob: Have you never tried? – If I had an apple here and I could have a few goes… – Well I think if those two can’t do it David, with the utmost respect, it’s highly unlikely you’re going to pull it off. – I have tremendously, frighteningly strong hands, as I found out to my own cost. – So you think it’s a lie then? – I’m afraid I do, yeah. – Okay. Well I’ll go with the giants. – You’re going to say it’s a lie? Alright, you’re saying it’s a lie. Bob, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? – I was telling… the truth! – Yes! – Do it! Do it! – Well! Well! Guess what I’ve got under the desk? My trusty box of apples! It’s a proper apple! Ready Bob? – Yes! It’s a big one. – Thank you! [LAUGHTER] – Not you! Not you! Him! – Does your husband play cricket? – I love that sort of thing! Where shall I do it? Lee: I really hope he can’t do it! [APPLAUSE] – I once paid for some tapas with a Nissan Micra. – David? Tapas? Nissan Micra? – How much tapas were you buying? – One meal’s worth of tapas.
– Worth of tapas. – So what cash value of this tapas? – In the… in the area of £15.00. – Okay. Why? – I didn’t have any money. – But weren’t you aware that a Nissan Micra even in probably quite scruffy condition would be worth a lot more than £15.00? – Yeah, but if all you haven’t got any money and all you’ve got is a Nissan Micra then what are you going to do? – I don’t suppose I eat out in restaurants that much. – Well drive home and have some toast! – I couldn’t drive home; I’d sold my car for some tapas! – Oh yeah, good point! – So did they accept the car in payment? – Er… yes. – How many of you were eating? – Er… eight. Ten? – Eight of you sharing £15.00 worth of tapas? – I ate £15.00 worth. We all had roughly I suppose. I don’t know, I didn’t check – – But you didn’t offer? But you didn’t offer the Nissan Micra for everyone’s meal? You said “Well I only had this, this and this. The Nissan Micra’s only covering that. You can pay for your own, everyone else.”. Now might have been the time to be a LITTLE bit, you know, little bit generous. I am giving a car away here. – Did none of the others think that they might chip in to save your car? – Somebody did bale me out, so I had to pay them with my car. That’s all I had. They said “I’ll pay you on.” – Ah, so it was one of your friends that you gave the car to, not the proprietors of the restaurant then? – Well obviously not, yeah! [ROB LAUGHS] – So one of your friends said “I’ll give you the fifteen quid.”
– I’ll pay your share. – But you can’t, like, owe it to me. You can’t give it to me next week. I want something in exchange for it now. You looked in your pocket, I’ve got a handkerchief, I got my shirt, it would be embarrassing to take my shirt off, well it would have to be the car. – I think what happened was she said “I’ll pay your share”, I said “I’ve got nothing to give you. I could give you my car”, I don’t think it occurred to her to say “No, don’t do that, give me fifteen quid next week”. “I’ll take the car,” is what she said. – What was the value of the car? – Two and a half thousand I paid for it. – How long before the dinner? – I lost £2485.00 on the dinner. It was good tapas! It was nice! We had… I had albóndigas, I had croquetas. You know, croquettes. Lee: Don’t patronise me. – Croquetas. And I had gambas a la plancha. Grilled prawns. And then I threw in the floor mats for some patatas bravas. – Right, David. What do you think? Is he telling the truth? – I think not. – Surely not. – But it’s so sort of odd and weird and… I think it’s a lie. – It’s a lie. – They’re all saying it’s a lie. Okay, Rhod Gilbert. Truth or lie? – It is a… true! [APPLAUSE] – So, just to be clear, everything you just said was true? – Every word of it. – You are a moron! – I can always remember all my ex-girlfriends’ names and the order in which I went out with them because their initials happen to make the acronym ‘BERMUDA’. – Okay, off we go. ‘BERMUDA’… B! – What? B. B? – Would you please give me all the names of your ex-girlfriends to make the acronym ‘BERMUDA’ as quickly as possible please? – Okay. Brenda. – Brenda! Superb. Brenda, still as popular a name as ever! E! – Sorry?
– Ethel? I’m helping you. What’s the next one? Ethel. Is it Ethel? – No, it’s not Ethel.
Mel: Enid? – Emma!
– No, it’s not Enid. Have another guess! – Erin. – Sorry? – Erin. – Erin? – Erin. – Okay. – Um… how do you spell ‘BERMUDA’? – R. – I know, I was joking, you patronising… [LAUGHTER] – Sorry, R. Oh, R. R.
Chris: Rasputin. – That was actually… that was actually Regine. – Sorry?
– Reggie? – Regine! – Regine?
– Regime, as in regime change? – No, no, no. – Next up after Regine? – Regine, was the lovely Molly. Molly, Molly, Molly. I could tell you a thing or two about Molly, but this isn’t the time. – Next one! Mel: What about U?
Chris: Uriah. – This was the weird one. This was the weird one. – They’re all a bit weird! – Not actually her name, right? But my nickname for her – Una. – What was her real name? – Sally. – Why did you call Sally ‘Una’? – Because Una Stubbs played Aunt Sally in ‘Worzel Gummidge’. – Ooh! – Oh, that’s very good. That’s very good. Mel: He’s good. He’s good. – D? Dave. Experimental year. [LAUGHTER] – If you’ve forgotten it, I’ll never forgive you. [DAVID LAUGHS] [APPLAUSE] – Happy days, Dave. Happy days! – Dave? So the D, that’s what you’re saying? The D is Dave?
– I’m not, of course I’m not. Delia! Not THE Delia. And may I say, not my mother, who was called Delia. True story. Definitely not her. – But that’s why it popped into your head now as you were making it up! And A? – Was… Alex. – That certainly is a serendipitous series. – If Sally wasn’t serendipitous, I wouldn’t have been able to do that with her! – What was the ‘M’ again? – What? – The ‘M’ again? – Molly. – And the ‘E’? – Was… what? – And the ‘E’? – The ‘E’? The ‘E’. I’ll tell you exactly what the ‘E’ was… – The ‘E’ was…? – It was, in fact, I’ll tell you exactly what the ‘E’ was. Erin! – Erin. And the ‘U’? – What?
– And the ‘U’?
– And… I… – The ‘U’? – Una! – Una. Sally. – Real name, Sally. Come on, Lee. You know this. The ‘D’? – Give me a ‘D’! – The ‘D’ was? – Mummy! Deirdre! Delia! – The ‘E’? – Give me an ‘E’! Erin! – The ‘B’? – Give me a ‘B’! Wow, that was a long time ago! Be fair! Brenda. – And the ‘R’? – And the ‘R’ was er… R-Regine. Regine! – Regine! – Little Regine! – Is that a name? – Regine? It is a name. Isn’t it? Tell me it’s a name! Regine’s a name! Anything’s a name, isn’t it? I once went out with a girl called Cupboard for three weeks. – And where did Cupboard come in the BERMUDA list? – Oh she was before I invented the acronym system. – Sorry, it was a system? It didn’t happen by accident? You were seeking out people beginning with these letters? What was it about the island of Bermuda that you wanted…? – Well some of my ex-girlfriends went missing. [APPLAUSE] – So what do you think David? What does your team think? – I think it’s a lie. – Would he go out with somebody called Brenda? – What do you mean ‘Would I go’…? Yes, she was Miss World! Right? She came down and she said to me “I really like you!” and I went “And I like you. What’s your name?” “Brenda.” “Forget it!”. – So what’s it going to be, David? – I think… I think… – Well I think it’s preposterous… because it’s preposterous! – Yes, I think it’s a lie. I think it’s a lie. – You’re saying it’s a lie. Okay. Lee, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? – Of course I was telling a lie! [APPLAUSE] – For three weeks, I was listed as a missing person by Interpol. – Wow! – When did this happen? – In the mid-90s. – Where were you? Had you actually disappeared? – I was in Morocco. – What were you doing there? – I was on a bike ride in Spain… – You were on a bike ride in Spain in Morocco? – Can I have a moment to chat with my client? – What happened was I met someone in Spain on a train. A Moroccan man.
David: So hold on. Listen, listen. David: Was this bike ride in Spain happening on the train? Because I know that you get these Spanish bike rides on trains in Morocco. – There was bad weather. And that’s why I took the Spain from the north of Spain to the south of Spain. Because apparently according to the local newspaper, there was better, more agreeable bicycling weather. – How did you then get into Morocco though? – That is because I met that Moroccan bloke on the train. – Which Moroccan bloke? – Yeah, does he have a name? – I can’t quite remember, but it was Mohammed or something. – Mohammed the Moroccan? You met on the train in Spain? – He asked me if I wanted to go back to Morocco with him. And I thought “Well I’ve never been out of Europe. In for penny, in for pound.”