Well, Victoria and I actually had to break
up. I broke up with her! Really? Did she just break up with me? I had to break it off with
her, though, truth be told. Come on, I was there. If we’re gonna make this work, we need
to go therapy. There’s no chance in hell that I’m going to therapy with a cat. Well, I’m
just lookin’ for a little heavy petting. With Mike Weaver. I just–I just find that he
interjects himself into my personal life. Woah, woah, woah. I have the talking mug,
Lee Majors! I have the talking mug. As an example, if I bring a date home and things
start to get frisky, I don’t wanna be upstaged. Okay, okay. When I hear something like that,
you know what it makes me feel? A little insecure and undervalued. You just have to pick your
spots. Mike. Mike, you have to look at me. But this guy… You have to look at me. This
guy… You have to look at me. Grand standing around, like some sorta ‘Johnny-come-lately!’
Where’s this coming from? I have closed deals for you, Mike. Big deals. It was one deal.
One deal. The Brazilian with the cat fetish. And how did that one work out, Lee Majors?
What happened there? She a–peed in the litter box. She peed in the litter box, yes. And?
She pooped in the litter box. Took a s*** in the litter box. I think we can all agree
these aren’t the types of deals I should be closing, yes? Yes. Can I get a little more
milk over here? See that tone? Today on Heavy Petting: Jimmy Buffett and parrots–what
the hell? Up next. Oh man, I’m fired up for this show tonight. Who sent you the flowers?
How nice. Wow. Secret admirer? You’re agent? Wow, they’re very proud. They’re very proud
of you. Yeah, that’s good. Just gonna call my agent. We got Safari Steve back in the
studio. Safari, it’s summertime soon. There’s gonna be some hikers and some campers preppin’
their gear to go out into the wild. But chances are, they may encounter a bear. What can you
tell our viewers, as far as safety tips, as they enjoy Mother Nature? Well, Mike, as you
know, my thing is education. But the first thing you wanna do when you’re going on your
hike is you wanna be as quiet as you can. Because if the bear hears something unusual,
it’s gonna wanna figure out what it is. So what do you do if you actually encounter the
bear? Well, if you see a bear, you wanna lock eyes with it. And then you walk slowly up
to it, repeating the phrase: Whassup up bear? Whassup bear? Whassup bear? Whassup bear?
Then the bear will know you just wanna be friends. Wow, okay. Is there anything the
hikers should do differently if, say, the bear is with one of its baby bears? Baby bear
is called a coob. Coob? But with coobs, you wanna run up to them as fast as you can and
give them a good, loving hug. And then the mama bear will know that you’re good with
its young. That’s some sound logic, Safari. Let’s move on to our campers that are gonna
have supplies and foodstuffs. What are some safety tips for them, as far as setting up
their camp? Well, I think it’s extremely important to stake your territory. So what I would do
is encircle the tent with your food. No kidding? Yeah. Oh, okay. So what I would is I would
have my BBQ chicken thighs–I’d put probably right there. Oh jeez. I’d like to have my
sweets right here. Absolutely, yeah. Desert, chocolates. Were would we put the bacon? I’d
put bacon over here. Yeah. Because then you got your salty and your sweet. Ah, I wish
we had some sorbet over here to cleanse the pallet. Jeez, Mike, I got sorbet over here!
No kidding! Oh man, am I hungry right now. Hey, you wanna grab some supper? Yeah. As
informative as ever, Safari Steve. Thanks for coming in. Thanks, Mike. Up next: The
kid from Old Yeller says he was framed. Hey, Mary. Hey, you want some food? Hey, you know
how cranky you get when you don’t eat. Hey, Safari, great show today. Well done. Safe
trip back, alright? Hey, Mike, thanks. Thank you. Thank you, so much. It was really great
for–thanks for having me. It’s just–thanks. Thank you. Thank you, I was–just great being
on the show. Okay, you’re gettin’ a little clingy now, Safari. I gotta go to lunch. Hey,
you need somebody to join you, or…? Sorry, what’s that? Can I come with you, you wanna…?
No. Okay. Bye, Mike. Ah jeez, Mary! You nicked me! Bad snake! Go to your time out bag! Yeah,
you nicked me. You sure nicked me. Ohhh. Ah, that’s actually quite nice, Mary. Ah, yeah.
Ahhhh. It’s Yo Soy Safari Esteban.