-Oh, I love being
overwhelmed by love. -Yes! -What did we do to deserve this?
-Yes. -Well, I can’t speak for you. -No. -But I can say, for me, decades
of quality entertainment. Thank you.
-Oh, wow. Unbelievable. -Hey, hello, little one.
How are you? Little boy. You know, it’s so amazing. I just realized the three of us
have not been together since we were at the border
trying to block that caravan. You know, it’s been a while. -That’s correct.
That’s correct. That is the last time I believe. -I’m excited. I wanted to do
the show because — I wanted to do the show one more
time before my beauty fades. [ Laughter ] -Well, you’re here. Thank goodness you’re here. -Are you promoting? -Yes, I’m promoting my new
movie, which has not been
offered to me yet. -Okay, congratulations.
-You never know. -Congratulations. -But this is the greatest show
on television, because there is no host
in late night that pretends to care the way you do. -Thank you.
-And I love that. And I love that.
-Thank you so much. -Oh, no, no, no.
-Thank you. -I mean, no one captures
phoniness the way you do. It’s a gift.
-Oh, thanks. -And I love that suit.
-You do? -Oh, my God, it’s — I love the way it conceals
all the weapons you have. -Yeah.
-No bulges. -And when I’m home, you know,
watching the show, which is rare.
-Yeah. -But — no. No.
When I’m home watching the show, I think, “Wow, for somebody
who does meth, your teeth look great.” [ Laughter ] -You wear like a rubber thing —
-No, no. It’s a whole system. -You proved that tall,
handsome white men can make it in show business. -You have such a —
May I jump in? You have such a — And then I want to hear
from you. -Sure.
-You have such a clean image. And that’s a — that’s hard
to do in today’s world. I suggest that whatever you’re
paying the “National Enquirer,” you should double it. -That is so nice.
You guys — -Wait a minute. Do you — do you smell Febreze? -No, that’s Jimmy’s new
fragrance. -Yeah. -It’s fresh. -Steve, it’s been a while since
I last saw you. -Jimmy says it’s been a while
since he last saw you! -Oh, yeah, yeah. It has been a while. And I’m doing good.
I’m doing good. A little older.
A little older. I learned that today. I was at a street corner
in Manhattan waiting for the light to change. There was a 16-year-old kid next
to me, standing there. We were both standing there
just the two of us, waiting for the light to change. Finally it changes. And I turned to him, I say, “Well, I guess it’s time
to cross the street.” And then I realized,
I had become the old coot that when I was 16
would say to me, “Well, I see you have
a shiny, new bicycle!” [ Laughter ] -No, you are timeless.
Are you kidding? Really. I mean, although
right now, he just smiled and a hunk
of make-up fell off, but I caught it,
but, you know, people… -I heard you. -You heard that? -No. I heard you
in the make-up room. I go and I say, “Just some
light powder.” He says, “Give me the full
drag queen.” That’s true. -No, you know, Steve —
Here’s the thing about Steve. And I’d tell him
if he were here. Steve… You know, but Steve is,
you know, he — people think he’s older
than he is because they think
he’s terminal, because there’s no blood really
flowing ’cause you’re pale. -I’m not pale.
I’m a normal-looking — -Oh, please.
-Go ahead. -Steve puts on sunscreen
at night. [ Laughter ] -He did a 23 and me DNA test, and it came back 23%
Scotch Irish, 77% vapor. -Wow. -That is a pale human being. -It means a lot to me
that you guys are here on the fifth anniversary
of “The Tonight Show,” of me hosting
“The Tonight Show.” -We’re excited. [ Cheers and applause ] -A little sarcastic. -No, no, no, no, no. -I’m trying to get it down.
Is this good? -That’s good. -No, it’s appropriate, because
when I see you and Steve Higgins every night. To me, you are Chuck Schumer,
Nancy Pelosi, without the sexual tension. I think it’s so brave of you,
five years in and to decide suddenly to
abandon the comedy format. I think it’s a good —
it’s shaking her up. -Dude…
-Marty and I learned. We learned from your show,
we were backstage watching the monologue, and we realized, “Wow. He must put the laughs
in later.” [ Laughter ] -At least you’re learning
from this. -Congrats, five years on NBC. That’s 125 in Megyn Kelly years. -That’s great. That’s great. -I don’t get it, but I laughed. -Yeah. -No, I’m not a conspiracy
theorist, but I think it’s amazing that this show started
February 17, 2014. And almost two years later,
Nancy Reagan’s dead. -Guys, let’s talk about…
Let’s talk… -No, let’s go on.
You want to change the subject. -No, no, I want to —
-No, he does not. He just wants to entertain,
that’s all. -I want to say congrats
on the Netflix special. Last time you were here, we were talking about your
Netflix special. -Yeah. It was called, “You Got
It In There, Now Get It Out.” -No, no, no, no, no.
No, no. It was not. No, the other special. -Oh, I’m thinking
about the other thing we did. -The other special.
-I’m thinking… The one we shot in Europe. -No, it never aired in this
country at all. -Now it’s coming back. That was the other time. -I hope you two are having fun. -When did you get here? -I never felt so alone. -Happy Valentine’s Day. -I’ll tell you one thing about
our Netflix special. It was nominated for four Emmys. -That’s right. [ Cheers and applause ] Well deserved. -And I don’t know how many
people here have been nominated for four Emmys,
but it’s a burden. Because I’m thinking, “How do we
even carry four Emmys? Is it two in each arm?
There’s two of us, maybe you carry two,
I carry two.” Then there’s the jealous looks
as we walk out. I’m thinking, “You know,
I am starting to wish we don’t even win one.” -Yeah.
-Yeah. And luckily your wish came true.
-Yeah. -You guys are the best. What is it like working
together, you guys? -Well, you know, Steve is — it’s so amazing, all the things
he can do. He performs magic, he juggles, he plays the banjo,
and somehow he’s famous. -Yeah.
-That’s quite a list. -I’ll tell you what, I’ll tell
you what I love about touring around
with Marty Short. No paparazzi.
-Damn you. -I don’t care. -The new tour is called “Now You
See Them, Soon You Won’t” at the upcoming tour dates,
I want to say at Wilkes-Barre in Pennsylvania
at Mohegan Sun. That’s on February 15th. February 16th, you’re at
Foxwoods in Connecticut. That’ll be fun.
-Yeah. You’ve been there?
-Yes. I’ve totally been there. -Mm-hmm.
-Wow! What a story. [ Laughter ] -It’s called conversation. -That’s when I had my gambling
problem. -And it was amazing.
Nothing happened. [ Laughter ] -You wouldn’t believe it, they
let me in, and I stayed over. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah. -Foxwoods in Connecticut. -Why don’t you come
to the Foxwoods show? -I would totally.
I would love to. -Oh, you want to be
with your family. Yeah. -Yeah. -What’s your problem?
-I don’t know. Like, every time I’ve ever
invited you everywhere. “Oh, I got to be
with my children and wife.” -That’s not fair.
-Loser. -March 2nd in Syracuse,
at the Landmark Theater. I can go to that one. -Yeah.
-That’d be pretty cool. -And we’d prefer it if you
didn’t on that one. [ Laughter ] -I understand.
-Foxwoods, well, you know. -You guys are going to stick
around and play a game. But first, you said you had
something for me? You made something for me?
-Oh, yes. And we don’t want
to embarrass you. -Yeah.
-Of course, but because we know how you hate
to make things about yourself. -No actually, we —
-We wanted to give you something to celebrate your fifth year
hosting “The Tonight Show.” -And we have enjoyed the show so
much, so we personally sat down, and picked our favorite bits
over the last five years. We looked at all the rap,
the music, and the singing, and the impressions. It was so much fun. And so we put together a little
montage of our favorite moments from your show
for the last five years. -I love you guys.
That is amazing. Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] Steve Martin and Martin Short. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] Wow.
-Toast to you, James. -So many great moments. -Cheers to us. Guys… Steve Martin, Martin Short,
everybody. Catch them on tour, “Now You See
Them, Soon You Won’t.”